


Can We Surrender

by xlifefulloflaughterx



Category: Daredevil (TV), The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:08:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24360346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xlifefulloflaughterx/pseuds/xlifefulloflaughterx
Summary: Karen asks Frank about Beth. She's happy for him, of course she is...
Relationships: Frank Castle/Karen Page
Comments: 10
Kudos: 91





	1. The touch of another

**Author's Note:**

> My first Kastle fic so go easy on me!
> 
> EDIT: Fixed a mistake and made some minor changes.

**~ Can We Surrender ~**

_Whenever you're ready, can we surrender?_

“You still haven’t told me about this lady you met…” Curtis raised a brow.

Frank huffed out a laugh, taking another swig from the neck of the lukewarm beer, boots kicked up on the coffee table.

Curtis let the silence hang in the air, waiting for an answer as he sipped his own beer.

“You know how it ended…no point in tellin’ the rest of the story” he chuckled.

“C’mon man” Curtis playfully jabbed him in the arm. “What’d she look like?”

Curtis didn’t miss the way his friend tensed up as Karen breezed past them, grabbing her wine from the kitchen island and depositing herself in the armchair opposite.

“Tattoos…dark hair…pretty girl” Frank mumbled.

Karen’s eyes narrowed before she inspected her wine glass, taking a slow drink from it.

“How’ve you been Karen?” Curtis asked, turning his attention to her as she kicked off her heels and pulled her feet underneath her.

“Good” she smiled, brushing her hair back and settling into the cushions. “Work is busy but that’s how I like it”

“Sorry for dropping in on you like this…just saw some commotion outside and thought we’d check on you”

“It’s not the first time I’ve come back to find my lock picked and Frank Castle on my couch” she smiled, corners of her mouth faltering slightly when Frank just glanced down at his lap.

They made small talk, Karen making her way through another glass of red until Curtis made a move to leave.

Frank stood too, until Curtis put a hand on his shoulder.

Karen busied herself in the kitchen, sensing the strange mood in the room. Frank got like this sometimes, brooding and quiet.

“Stay” she heard Curtis whisper.

“Don’t worry if you have somewhere to be…but if not, do you want some wine Frank?” she asked, trying to give him an out. He released a breath. Of course he didn’t have anywhere to be.

“Just a small one Karen…”

She reached up to the top cabinet, pulling down another glass. Frank grabbed the empty beer bottles, locating her recycling box with ease considering all the times he’d been here. Curtis kissed her on the cheek as he left, shutting the door behind him and leaving Karen and Frank in silence.

He avoided her gaze when she handed him the glass.

Returning to the couch, she took the other side of it instead of the armchair, sitting sideways with her back against the arm.

She decided to rip off the band aid.

“What was that about a girl? Are you seeing someone Frank?” she asked, pushing warmth into her voice that didn’t quite feel genuine for some reason she didn’t want to explore.

He breathed out and smiled a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“No…after…” he started before realising that he hadn’t told her what happened last year.

“Billy?” she asked.

He nodded.

“What happened Frank? You disappeared…I was worried”

“Sorry” he told her, making eye contact so she would know he meant it.

She watched him run a calloused hand over his head. “It’s a long story”

“Something to do with Lieberman I’m assuming?”

He nodded. “They took his family”

Her brow creased with concern and he wanted to soothe it away immediately.

“They’re okay” he promised.

“You did something crazy like sacrificing yourself for them right” she shook her head, tense.

“…’s not crazy Karen. I’d have done that for my family” and _you_ he thought.

Her face softened.

“They tortured you” she stated rather than asked.

He nodded again, taking a gulp of wine as the memory flashed through his head. He could withstand a lot of pain, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel it, that it didn’t stay with him even afterwards.

When he looked back at her, he could see her eyes scanning the visible skin of his forearms, his hands, his neck and his face. She was taking an inventory of the new scars.

“How’d you know?” he asked.

“I know a lot of things Frank, it comes with the job” she sighed. “You think you’re the only one who keeps tabs on people? You’re elusive but I have my ways”

He smiled down at his lap.

“So after the showdown with Billy and Madani cleared your record, what did you do?” she asked.

“Disappeared for a while” he told her, inspecting a particularly interesting smudge of dirt on his pants. “Travelled around”

“Met someone?” she asked.

He was silent for a moment. “Beth…” he told her, bringing his fingers up to rub at his lower lip. “She worked the bar at a place next door to the motel I was staying at…some asshole was givin’ her shit”

“And you stepped in to teach him a lesson” Karen finished for him, shadow of a smile on her lips. “Can’t stay out of trouble can you Frank?”

He laughed a little despite himself. “You haven’t heard the half of it yet”

Karen shifted to get more comfortable, resting her elbow on the back of the couch as he continued.

He hesitated at the next bit and she could swear Frank Castle was _blushing_.

“We…uh…we slept together”

Karen smiled, despite the tight feeling in her chest. She pictured this woman, with her tattoos and dark features. Was that his type? She’d seen pictures of Maria…she had dark hair too but didn’t seem the tattoo type. Either way, from the description, she couldn’t have been more opposite to Karen’s fair hair and pale skin.

“…and the next mornin’, I’m tryin’ to slip out and her kid’s sat there on the floor of her front room”

Karen smiled genuinely as he continued, chastising herself for drawing the unnecessary comparison.

“Rex…good kid”

Frank’s eyes were brighter, talking about it. It made her feel warm for him.

“Anyway, she comes down, disappointed but not surprised that I’m makin’ a quick exit. But Rex is there so she can’t tell me to go fuck myself like I’m sure she wants to. I took ‘em for pancakes” he looks wistful. “…it was nice”

She waited for him to continue.

“Said goodbye and left. But then I couldn’t stop thinkin’ about it. Drove two hours back to that bar to see her again”

“I’m happy for you Frank…even if it didn’t work out in the end”

He laughed humourlessly.

“She got shot Karen”

Karen winced at that. She knew him. Knew that would just reinforce the idea in his head that he couldn’t have anything good in his life. That he was a danger to anyone who got close to him. After all, that was the excuse he kept using to push her away.

“Like you said…I can’t stay out of trouble. And she got shot. That was the end of that fairy tale”

She made to reach out, to comfort him, but stopped herself.

“I told her about you, you know?” he looked up at her under his eyelashes.

She frowned.

“What you said about bein’ lonely”

Her lips formed a sad smile this time.

Maybe it was the wine talking, but Karen surprised herself with her next question.

“Was she the first time…since Maria?”

He nodded.

She felt strange, talking to him about such intimate things. It was stupid really. She knew the most intimate details of his life. She’d been in his house, where his family had been murdered. She’d seen him cry for them, seen him hurt and covered in blood. But sex…that was a new one. Playing the ‘friend’ like this felt both routine and strange all at the same time.

“Just because it ended like that…that doesn’t mean you can’t feel like that again Frank”

“A night of fun for a bullet?” he scoffed. “Not sure that’s a good deal even if I was a great lay, which I wasn’t”

She ignored his attempt at making light of the situation. “it’s not always going to be like that”

“It was a one time thing Karen…”

“We all need human touch Frank, even you” she whispered, feeling the distance between them amplified in that moment. “Years…that’s a long time to go without”

He swallowed hard.

He finished the last of his wine, putting it down on the coffee table with a clink. She expected him to get up and leave when he spoke again.

“I didn’t feel guilty…I thought I would” he said quietly. “…had my wedding ring around my neck the whole time”

She wanted to move, to break the tension. Instead, she stayed perfectly still, to show him that he had one hundred percent of her attention.

“Maria would want you to have someone Frank, you know that”

He rolled his neck, as if shaking off his vulnerability.

“Like I said, one-night stands aren’t really my thing” 

“For the record, they aren’t mine either” she laughed, lightening the mood.

“I’m not that asshole who’d judge even if they were Karen” he quipped, helping her clear up the glasses and the now empty bottle of wine.

“No…you’d just want to run background checks on them” she joked.

“There are a lot of scumbags out there” he told her, tone serious.

“You’re not wrong”

He hovered by the door and she wrapped her arms around him, feeling the solid weight of him in her hold. He hugged her back, his hand squeezing her waist briefly. An image of that girl…Beth…holding him like this after they had sex flitted through her mind and she immediately banished that thought.

“Night Karen” he told her, kissing her cheek.

“Night Frank” she whispered, shutting the door behind him with a soft click.


	2. All I need is to be set free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over and over, Karen is left to deal with what comes after.

The next few days followed the same pattern as always. A lead weight on her chest, a deep echoing loneliness and thoughts of him that permeated everything she did.

The aftermath was always the worst. These were the times when she felt most alone, when she considered asking him not to contact her again. She knew he wouldn’t, if he thought that’s what she wanted.

The time she got to spend with him was so infrequent and he was always in so much danger that she never knew when it would be the last time she ever saw him alive.

That cut her to the bone. She’d learned to deal with it.

It was self-destructive really, for both of them. Those few hours of his company were euphoric – like a drug. And as mad as she’d get thinking about how he pushed her away and then came back to open that wound again, the relief that he was alive and the feeling in her chest when she saw him stopped her from shoving him in the chest and giving him a piece of her mind.

And she knew he was so, so alone. She wanted to be a safe haven for him. He deserved that.

She couldn’t cut him out of her life, because she felt his pain. Every time she looked in his eyes, she felt it. Felt that harrowing emptiness and the pure devastation that had echoed around the walls of his home as she stood there in the shadow of what had happened to him.

So she wallowed in it. Turned everything over in her mind as she sat in her empty apartment after work. Tortured herself by dwelling on their conversation.

Beth…that was a strange one.

She was happy for him. Genuinely. Happy that he’d a felt intimacy for the first time in years. Happy that he’d been able to let go and feel something other than pain for one night.

But the sadist in her couldn’t stop thinking about it.

She knew he was touch-starved, had felt the way he’d tensed up that day he’d come to her about Lieberman. When she hugged him, his breath had caught in his throat and he’d buried his face in her shoulder as a feeling he didn’t even recognise anymore washed over him.

It hurt that someone else had shared a moment like that with him. She wondered if Beth knew how much that meant to him. If she really appreciated what it meant for Frank Castle to let someone touch him, to kiss him, to…

It didn’t matter that her rational mind knew she was just torturing herself. She was a glutton for punishment.

Betrayal, she realised. He’d turned his back on the chance of something like that with her. So why did he drive two hours back to some bar in the middle of nowhere to see this girl again? Why did he allow himself to give in like that when he’d always been so pig-headed about keeping distance between he and Karen?

He’d been coy about the whole thing when she had interrupted Curtis’s interrogation and she wondered why he didn’t really want to have that conversation in her presence. She felt a spike of anger when she considered the possibility that he might have been worried about rubbing salt in the open wound that he was to her.

She twisted the metaphorical knife again when she remembered what he’d said…that he’d told Beth about her, what she’d said about loneliness. Pictured him lying in bed with her head on his chest, tracing her tattoos with his fingers in the afterglow and sharing that personal moment with another woman.

At the end of it all, she resigned herself to the same outcome she always did. That she’d always be there for him, but they would never be anything more.

~ xxx ~

She was working on her couch, curled up in just a long t-shirt typing away under the low light of a lamp when an email came through with a lead on a breaking story. A standoff with the police at a warehouse in Queens. She was about to respond, to pick up the job, when she saw it.

_Unconfirmed reports of Frank Castle fatally injured and seen fleeing the scene_

Her stomach turned over as she closed her laptop.

Sure, this wasn’t the first time his name had come up since she’d last seen him a few months ago. She’d read a thousand articles about him. He could handle himself. But the words _fatally injured_ were unignorable.

Her vision was clear as she made her way quickly down the stairwell of her building. She was running on controlled adrenaline as she started the car, peeling out of the parking lot.

The police had cordoned off all the nearby roads but that wasn’t her concern. If he was hurt, he’d be around here somewhere. He always had an exit strategy.

~ xxx ~

Curtis took one look at her, blood all over her face and stomach, holding her shirt to Frank’s side as he lay unresponsive on her rug and dropped his medical supplies by the door.

“Help me get him onto the bed…then I need alcohol to clean the wound” he switched into work mode.

She moved on autopilot, grabbing his ankles as Curtis held most of his weight. Karen didn’t think too much on the fact that she’d just bought new sheets as she unzipped his boots, pulling them from his feet and dropping them in the corner before pushing a pillow under his head. Grabbing a bottle of whisky from the shelf above her fridge, she returned to kneel beside him on the bed.

Curtis had cut away his shirt, pouring alcohol over the deep gash and was threading his suturing needle.

Without being asked, she helped hold the edges of the wound together as Curtis worked. 

“What’s your blood type?” he asked.

“I’m…uh…I’m a universal donor” she told him, already inspecting her skin to find a vein.

“Good – hook that up”

For a second, she hesitated. But it was only a second. By the next, she’d pushed the needle into the bend of her elbow and connected it to the bag, adrenaline overriding any squeamishness and dulling any pain.

“Is he going to make it?” she asked, brow furrowed seeing him looking so helpless. It was a direct contrast to his usual presence and it scared her.

“I don’t know” Curtis answered frankly, checking the needle in Frank’s arm and pulling the remnants of his shirt out from under his prone body. “He’s lost a lot of blood”

She looked down at the tube connecting them and wrung her hands in her lap.

Curtis checked him over, cleaning up a few of the other cuts and grazes on his torso before unbuckling Frank’s belt, pulling his pants down his legs and inspecting the damage there too. There were no major wounds, just a few lacerations on his knees and shins.

Pulling a chair up to the side of the bed, he gestured for Karen to sit. “Take it slow” he told her, wiping his hands on his pants. “Another pint and that’s it” he told her, checking Frank’s breathing.

“What if that’s not enough?” she asked him.

“Just stay here…don’t stand up or you’ll faint” he told her.

Karen breathed out a sigh. “Could you bring me some water before you go?”

“I’ll stay. Can’t leave you here with him in case…” Curtis gathered up the blood-stained clothes and tossed them in the kitchen sink for now, leaving that sentence unfinished.

The silence was deafening in the bedroom, disturbed only by Curtis clanging around in the kitchen.

He returned, sliding the needle out of her arm and replacing it with a cotton pad. When it didn’t stop bleeding, he held her arm in the air and told her to keep it there.

“Where’d you find him?”

“Bleeding out in a dumpster” she whispered, numb as he took the pressure off of her elbow and put her arm back in her lap, content that a clot had formed.

“You should go wash up. I’ll keep an eye on him” he steadied her with a hand on her arm as she stood. “Keep the temperature low”

Karen stared at herself in her bathroom mirror in an almost zombie-like state. The front sections of her hair were pink, stained with blood. It was on her face too, finger shaped marks where it had transferred from her hands.

She braced her hands against the sink, taking a few deep breaths to ground herself.

~ xxx ~

Curtis was making coffee in the kitchen when she emerged from the bathroom with wet hair, ducking into the bedroom to grab some pyjamas.

He was so still. She held her breath, putting a hand on his chest to check he was still breathing.

Changing quickly, she met Curtis in the doorway and he pushed a mug into her hands.

“So far so good” he told her. “But he’s not out of the woods yet”

She nodded, taking a sip without really tasting anything.

Curtis insisted she try to get some sleep on the couch. She didn’t sleep, despite her best efforts.

Poking her head around the door as the sun started to come up, she saw Curtis dozing in the chair beside the bed. Frank’s eyelashes were still resting against his cheeks but she could see the slow rise and fall of his chest.

Rummaging around in her cupboards, she didn’t find much more than an old bag of pasta and some stale cereal. Careful not to wake Curtis, she grabbed some clothes and her keys, heading out to the store.

When she returned, turning the key in the door, a smile overtook her features at the sound of voices coming from her bedroom.

“Sit still jackass”

Frank grunted and she never thought she’d be so happy to hear that sound. Dumping the bags on the table, she entered the room to see Curtis changing his bandage.

Despite the pain he was clearly in, the corners of his lips twitched when he saw her too. Not quite a smile, but something.

“You’re awake”

“Unfortunately” Curtis joked, though she could see the relief in the way his shoulders had dropped.

“Good job I bought breakfast for three then”

It was only a few hours until Frank had started moving around again. He’d showered unaided and was now trying to do bicep curls with an ugly statue Karen had won for her writing.

“Take it easy Frank” Curtis chastised him.

Frank ignored him, releasing sharp breaths with each contraction of the muscle.

“Frank…” she warned. He stopped.

~ xxx ~

That night, she busied herself tidying the apartment. This time, she was determined to be ready for him to disappear without a trace.

She could hear Curtis and Frank talking quietly in the kitchen as she re-made the bed, clean sheets stretched over a faint mark on the mattress where it would be permanently stained.

“She was covered in your blood when I got here Frank. Head to toe”

She fluffed the pillow, setting it down.

“I’m trying not to drag her into this”

“You ever considered letting her make that decision for herself?”

Karen held her breath to better hear their hushed conversation.

“There’s only one ending to that story and that’s her dead ‘cause of me. I don’t know how many times I have to say it. You can see what losing Maria and the kids has done to me. If I lost her too…”

“So this is about you?”

Walking out of the bedroom, she cleared her throat. As she caught his eye, Frank looked at her with a sadness she couldn’t bear.

So she silently handed them both a box of leftovers from breakfast, and they took the signal to leave.

Karen sat in the silent emptiness of her apartment, staring at a speck of blood on her wall that she must have missed until she fell asleep.


	3. Down all your darkest roads

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank returns the favour.

Life went on.

She buried herself in work, starting early and staying late.

She didn’t hear from him again and nor did she expect to. She wasn’t waiting for a ‘thank you for saving my life’. Gratitude for life was something he didn’t know anymore. She had wondered many times whether deep down he wanted to die, if all of this was just his quest to go up in flames.

It was late, the sun setting over the city hours ago and casting shadows over her desk as she worked. Checking the clock on the wall, she gathered up the files she’d been reviewing and shoved them in her purse. Pulling on her coat and tying it at the waist, she made her way out into the chilly air.

Her heels clacked on the pavement as she headed for the subway, taking a train out to Brooklyn.

This would be her second meeting with a fellow journalist working undercover to expose the trafficking of young girls. She’d been working on the article for a few weeks now and it was a piece she was incredibly proud of.

She shivered against the cold, turning down the alleyway and stopping in front of the heavy metal door.

The hairs on the back of her neck stood on-end and she spun quickly on her heel, gun in-hand. She’d had a feeling someone was tailing her and had a hand on her weapon for the last few blocks just in case.

A man dressed all in black walked towards her, hands up.

“Woah…relax sweetheart” he smiled.

“Stop right there” she asserted, hands steady as she took off the safety.

The door behind her opened and an arm grabbed her around the neck.

Suddenly, a shot was fired, the man in front of her dropping to the ground with blood seeping out of his head. She didn’t hesitate, shooting her captor in the foot. He released her and she turned, ready to shoot again. She didn’t have to. As he came at her, he too went down with a shot to the head.

She knew who it was before he showed himself.

“This your friend?” he appeared from the shadows, pushing the journalist along in front of him, hands were tied behind his back and tape across his mouth.

“Frank…” she started.

“Did he set you up? Did you set her up?!” Frank shouted in his face as the man frantically shook his head, trying to protest against the makeshift gag.

“Frank stop!” she screamed, dropping her gun to push him away.

She untied him and removed the tape, checking him over. He was okay. She knew he wouldn’t have set those men on her. They’d clearly found out about the article, planned to kill them both.

He was visibly shaken up as Karen told him to find somewhere safe to hole up for the night, that she’d call him tomorrow to check in on him.

“What the hell were you doin’ here Karen?”

“What do you care?” she asked. It was petty, she knew it. But him being here pissed her off, even if he had just saved her life.

“Are you kidding me?!” he yelled. “Do you know what those guys would have done to you if I hadn’t showed up?”

His chest was heaving. He was absolutely furious. She’d seen him like this plenty of times, but it wasn’t often directed at her.

“These aren’t petty criminals Karen! These sick bastards are makin’ money off’a selling people for sex….you’da been lucky if they’d killed you”

She closed her eyes at the thought.

“Why would you put yourself in danger like that?!”

“I’m doing my job Frank. If you’re waiting for me to thank you, you’ll be waiting a while. I call us even after last time”

He was watching her with laser focus, her arms crossed against the biting air.

He came closer, eyes taking a quick inventory of any injuries. Her neck was a little red, but that seemed to be the extent of it.

“How did you even know I was here?” she asked, annoyed.

“Followed you” he replied gruffly, nudging the body of her assailant with his boot before dropping down to check his pockets.

“Right” she nodded incredulously, running a hand through her hair. “You keeping tabs on me Frank?”

He regarded her carefully, standing up.

Neither of them said anything for a while, just staring at one another until he broke it.

“Thank you”

She narrowed her eyes at his words.

“For calling Curt…for giving me your blood…”

She softened.

“But I didn’t want you getting’ dragged into my shit”

“But you’re quite happy inserting yourself into mine?” she asked, gesturing vaguely to the bodies on the ground around them.

“I can’t let anything happen to you Karen”

She shook her head, releasing a breath.

“Do you know how scared I was? When he grabbed you like that?”

Something in her exploded.

“Do you know how scared _I_ was when you were dying in the middle of my floor Frank?!” she screamed. “Do you know how scared I am every time I see your name in the news? Every time I see you, it might be the last time. Sometimes I lie awake at night wondering if you’re being tortured by someone or lying in an alleyway like this bleeding to death on your own…” her voice broke and that irritated her even more.

“After everything, do you really not get that?” she asked him.

He looked at her, pushing the inside of his cheek with his tongue.

“I’m sorry”

It wasn’t enough. How could it be?

“But you’ll keep doing it” she told him. “I’ve said it before Frank and I’ll say it again…what next? Where’s the after?”

“There is no after Karen, you know that”

He was frustrated, she could see it.

“Because you don’t want there to be?” she challenged.

“It’s not that simple”

“Yes it is” she snapped. “You get a dog. The dog dies. You had a decade of good times with that dog. Do you regret getting the dog?”

He snorted. “You comparin’ yourself to a dog Karen?”

When he glanced back at her and saw the unimpressed scowl on her normally soft features, he let out a breath.

“How can I hope for even a week of normality, let alone a decade? Look what happened to Beth after one night…” he started.

“I knew that would become another excuse Frank, I knew it when you told me about her” she ran a frustrated hand over her head. “That’s bullshit and you know it. You know I’m like you. That I can’t stay out of trouble either. What? It’ll make you feel better if I get hurt and you stayed away, so you can say it wasn’t your fault?”

He shook his head, lip twitching in anger. “Of course not”

“This is just lip service. Stop pretending you’re doing this to protect me. You’re not. It’s not some selfless sacrifice to keep me safe. You made a choice. You want to keep fighting this war. Go ahead but don’t keep dragging me back in, making me care and then dropping me under some pretence of it being for my own good”

He was looking at her like she’d punched him in the face, jaw set.

She grabbed her gun from the gravel, dropping it back into her purse as she turned to leave.

“Karen…”

She kept walking.

“Karen stop” he took her wrist and she wrenched it from his grip, a street lamp flickering somewhere overhead.

“Hear me out…fuck” he pinched his nose in frustration.

She folded her arms across her chest, watching the way his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat, the way his eyes were flitting around and looking anywhere but at her.

“Let me give you a ride and we can talk”

Her mouth formed a stubborn line, but eventually she stood on one foot, taking off her uncomfortable heels and carrying them as they walked to his van.

She could feel him scanning the ground as they walked but he bit his tongue against any comment that she might step on something sharp with bare feet.

They were silent as she watched the lights flash by in the wing mirror.

“That morning…”

She didn’t interrupt to ask which morning. She knew.

“…I told Maria I wasn’t going back”

She glanced over at him and saw his eyes fixed to the road, his knuckles gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“I knew it was the right time. It took me a long time to let go. At one time I couldn’t imagine life afterwards. But waking up to her that day, I just knew it was time”

Karen watched his face crease with anguish.

“But it didn’t matter. Because then they were gone. Didn’t matter if I decided the war was over Karen. It wasn’t my decision to make, never was”

“Frank…” she started, resolve breaking. His eyes were shining in the low light.

“Don’t you see?!” he shouted, slamming the palm of his hand against the wheel in anger. “It _never_ ends. It will _never_ end”

She saw, in that moment, just how far gone he was. After everything that had happened to him…everything that he’d done…of course it had taken a toll. But right there, staring at the frantic look in his eyes as he relived it all over and over, she understood.

“The only person you’re punishing is yourself” she whispered. Deep down, she’d known that all along. “You think you deserve to live in this constant hell…” she wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

His knuckles were white with his grip on the wheel, a tear dripping onto his lap.

“You have to try Frank” she whispered almost imperceptibly, wrapping her arms around herself. “Because _this_ …how is _this_ any better than being dead?”

When they pulled up at her building, to her surprise, he got out of the truck.

“You…wanna come in?” she asked.

He nodded, following her up the stairwell.

And then here they were again. Sitting in her apartment.

“Beer?” she asked.

“You got anything stronger?”

She poured him a glass of whisky, grabbing another tumbler for herself. It had been a hell of a night, there was still a slight shake in her hand as she watched the amber liquid fill the glass.

She took a big gulp and closed her eyes as it burned all the way down, filling it back up before pushing his across the kitchen counter. He took it, knocking it back in one. She handed him the bottle, letting him pour his own refill.

He leaned against the counter-top, resting on his elbows and staring down at his drink.

Taking her hair down, Karen took another sip, watching him turning something over in his mind.

Eventually, he lifted his gaze.

“I don’t know how to do this…”

“To do what Frank?” she asked.

“To do right by you…” he started. “I should just go. For good this time. Let you live your life without me bringing my shit to your door”

“Then why don’t you?” she asked.

He glanced up at her.

“Because you’re right. I don’t have a war to fight anymore. I don’t have an excuse to give you…”

She watched him silently.

“What do you want Karen?” he asked, searching her eyes.

She shook her head and closed her eyes, letting her head fall back.

“No Frank. You don’t get to ask me that”

He pushed away from the counter.

“You’re my family, Karen”

She opened her eyes, seeing him staring right at her.

“You must know that?”

He stood up to his full height.

“You’re right…what you said in the car. Sometimes I wish I was dead. Sometimes I think I deserve to live in this never ending pain”

Hearing him say that made her throat close up.

“And now I’m doing it again. Coming into your life, dragging you down into this misery with me”

“Frank…” she closed the distance between them.

“Why? Why do you want this? You deserve something _good”_

“Because _this_ is good. Because _you_ are good…why can’t you see that?”

His eyes were searching hers and it took her back to that moment in the elevator when he pressed their foreheads together.

“You have to try Frank” she repeated.

This time he nodded, pouring himself another drink.

She moved onto the couch, watched him follow. When he unzipped his boots and kicked them off, that felt like a small victory.

Something had shifted. Conversation was easy but that wasn’t it. They’d always had a chemistry. Now, it felt lighter. He told her a story about some trouble he’d gotten Curtis into and his eyes wrinkled in the corners with the genuineness of his smile.

They laughed like that for hours, until she was all out of chips and whisky.


	4. It's hard to love someone who can't be loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter - hope you enjoy!

Karen watched him with quiet curiosity as they sat under the low light of a lamp. At some point, he’d passed her the blanket she kept draped over the armchair, noticing the goose bumps scattered down her arms. Now she was curled under it, cosy and filled with a feeling of warm domesticity she hadn’t felt in a long time. Her gaze tracked the way his fingers brushed the top of her couch cushion in slow circles and the way his eyes creased when he smiled.

It was a stark contrast to the usual drumming of his fingers on his thigh, the way he bounced his knee and furrowed his brow. All of those features were almost permanent in him, ever since she’d met him that first time. But not right now. Right now he was relaxed and even his voice had less of an edge to it.

“Stop” she shook her head with a smile, cringing at the graphic description he was sharing of the time he’d been shot in the ass, complaining that he still couldn’t feel anything in that spot.

He laughed and it was a beautiful sound, warming Karen’s heart as he started to tidy up the empty tumblers.

“Leave those it’s fine. I’ll clean up in the morning”

“It is the morning” he said, glancing at the clock. It was 3am.

“ _Later_ then” she untangled herself from the blanket.

She saw him glance at his boots over by the door.

“Is driving right now a good idea?” she asked. He wasn’t drunk, but he’d had a few glasses.

“I can walk”

“Shut up” she shook her head. “Stay, it’s fine” 

She moved to bolt the door and when she turned around, he was closer than she realised, hovering at the end of the couch as he folded the blanket and handed it to her.

“You look tired” he told her. “You been sleepin’?”

She smiled, shaking her head. “Do _you_ ever sleep?”

“Not if I can help it”

She was reminded of the nightmares that plagued him and did her best to keep her face neutral. He wouldn’t appreciate her sympathy.

“Stay…?” she put a tentative hand on his chest before withdrawing it, letting the question hang in the air between them and giving him the space to turn it over in his head.

They just looked at each other for a moment, suspense almost suffocating before she broke the silence with a nervous laugh. He smiled too and suddenly she felt shy under something in his gaze.

She hadn’t felt like this since she was a teenager. There was something different in that look. He always looked at her with such intensity but this wasn’t that. There was a heat simmering in his eyes and it made her heart race.

“It’s been a while since I’ve done this so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m a little rusty” he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yeah well that makes two of us”

“I’m pretty sure I still know how to flirt with a pretty girl” he smiled again, trailing two fingers down her arm until they caught her hand and he tugged her closer.

“Are we doin’ this Karen?”

“Doing what Frank?” she asked, a hint of a challenge in her tone.

It had to be him.

“Do you want this?” he asked, voice breathy and ragged all of a sudden.

“Do you?”

He didn’t respond, just reached out and placed his palm to the side of her neck, thumb moving back and forth over the skin just behind her ear. She leaned into the touch automatically and that was all he needed to take another small step forward and angle his face to hers.

“Sure?” he rasped, so close she could count his eyelashes.

His breath was ghosting over her face as he searched her eyes for the answer. She nodded and he closed the distance and took her lips in his.

It was soft and she melted into him as his nose brushed hers. He kept the contact light until she brought her hands up to his broad chest, clutching the soft material of his shirt. The hand on her neck travelled up and into her hair, his free hand at the curve of her waist as he ran the tip of his tongue along the seam of her lips. She matched his movements, the feel of his stubble against her cheeks sending a shiver down her spine. All of her senses were on high alert, suddenly hyper aware of his breathing, his heart beating under her palm and his scent surrounding her.

When it came to him, the emotion was so strong. She was so invested in Frank Castle. She cared about him so deeply.

When they broke for air, her cheeks and chest were flushed red. The look in his eyes was so soft and bright it brought a lump to her throat. He reached out to run his thumb over her lower lip and the tenderness was overwhelming.

This Frank was so clearly the man in the picture frames in his house, hugging his little girl, pressing his lips to his wife’s baby bump. She knew this was the real Frank but experiencing it was everything she never thought she could have.

She took the opportunity to kiss him again, anchoring herself with a hand on his shoulder and another around his back, bringing their bodies flush together.

A hand stroked down her back, resting at the base of her spine, fingers dipping under her blouse to touch the soft skin there.

He stopped with a final peck, sucking her lower lip between his and releasing it. He rested his forehead against hers, heart beating hard under her palm. She was dizzy with the rush of chemicals and she could see the same look on his face, touch-drunk.

“Frank…”

He knew what she was asking.

“Karen I…”

“It’s okay” she whispered, fingertips caressing his cheek. And it was. Maybe he’d be gone tomorrow. Maybe trying wasn’t enough. Maybe he couldn’t be this Frank anymore. None of that mattered right now, not when she had him in her arms.

He seemed to understand that she wasn’t asking for more than he could give.

This was a lot for him. For both of them.

Having him here in front of her, the big bad Punisher with his hands on her skin and his stubble burn on her cheeks…it had every nerve on high alert.

She grasped the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head. He raised his arms to help her, kissing her again as she dropped it at their feet. His fingers went for her blouse and she shrugged it off, eyes roving his torso, running a hand down the hard planes of his abs before gripping his belt buckle and fumbling with it. He helped her, pulling it free and popping the button on his pants.

It felt like a dream sequence as he unzipped her skirt, catching her arm as she stumbled in her eagerness to shimmy it down her legs. They laughed, easy and light as he captured her lips in another searing kiss. Her head was spinning as his eyes drank in the sight of her, suddenly wishing she’d put more thought into her choice of underwear. And then he’d picked her up in a smooth motion. She wrapped her legs around his waist and he carried her to the bedroom, laying her down gently and taking another opportunity to take in the expanse of skin before him as he knelt on the bed between her legs.

His lips were parted, the breathy pants the only thing giving away that he was anything other than in one hundred percent control of his mind and body.

She sat up, gripping the waist of his open pants so she could shove them down.

He stopped her with a hand over hers. “…I don’t have a condom”

She considered it for a moment, linking their fingers. “I don’t either, but I’m taking birth control. It’s okay with me if it is with you”

His thumb stroked the back of her hand. “Okay” he whispered, leaning down to take her lips again.

She tugged at the waistband of his pants and this time he helped her, kicking them off so he could crawl onto the bed and cover her body with his. She felt engulfed by his large frame as he wrapped an arm around the top of her head and kissed her again. It was deep and she let out a sound low in her throat as his tongue caressed hers with practiced ease. Her back arched, chest pressed against his.

He sat up, pulling her up with him so he could unhook her white t-shirt bra. His hand immediately covered her right breast, kissing a path down her sternum.

When he reached the edge of her black lace panties, he sat up, pulling them down her legs.

She felt vulnerable, lying naked beneath him. But there was no one on earth she trusted more.

Her eyes dropped closed when his mouth found her core, tongue drawing lazy, teasing circles before increasing the intensity. He wrapped a strong arm over her hips to keep her in place as his stubble created delicious friction on the soft skin of her thighs.

Heady gasps and pleasure blooming in her lower stomach culminated in him dropping a final kiss to her hipbone.

Worked up, she pulled him up and into another searing kiss, working a hand between them to grip his arousal through his underwear. He thrust into it and she gave up teasing, pushing the elastic over the curve of his ass. He shuffled back to pull them all the way off and she let out an embarrassing little sound at the sight of him completely naked, hard against his stomach.

He was gorgeous, all hard planes of muscle covered by scarred, calloused skin.

She crawled towards him, leaning up to kiss him and delighting in the grunt that slipped from his lips when she wrapped her fingers around his erection. He was hot and heavy in her hand, thick from root to tip.

She gave him an experimental stroke, twisting her hand on the upstroke with just a little pressure on the underside and felt a tremor run through his body.

Leaning forward, she kissed his stomach, dipping lower to taste him.

He stopped her with a hand in her hair. She glanced up at him and his pupils were blown wide, lips parted.

“I won’t last…not if you do that…”

She nodded, sitting up to caress his cheek and bring him in for another soft kiss.

Her whole body was thrumming with arousal so she could understand why he was concerned about stamina.

He wasn’t giving a huge amount away, but his reaction to her trying to repay the favour showed how keyed up he really was. If this was a one-time thing, she would make sure to give him a blowjob in the morning. Going by how quickly he’d stopped her, he hadn’t had that particular pleasure in a very long time.

Pulling him back down onto the bed, he settled over her and she wrapped her legs around his hips, drawing him flush against her. He took the hint, reaching down to press the head of his cock against her. He watched her face, easing in with gentle pressure. He was big and she clutched his biceps when he bottomed out, unmoving to give her time to adjust.

She rolled her hips, encouraging him to draw back and he did, pulling almost all the way out before thrusting back in to the hilt. He set a comfortable pace but she could tell he was holding back.

“Harder” she whispered, nails scratching at his scalp as he pressed his face into her neck.

The headboard hit the wall rhythmically as he complied, letting go.

She could feel her orgasm building, letting out a whine when he slowed down, not wanting it to be over too quickly.

“Please Frank…” she breathed, hands travelling down to his ass to encourage him to speed up again.

He pushed up on one arm, using the other to hold her neck with gentle pressure. That sent white hot pleasure down her spine as he built up the speed again, the drag of his cock against her spot sending stars scattering across her vision.

“Don’t stop” she whispered, forehead pressed to his.

“I’m gonna cum” he breathed.

“Don’t stop” she repeated, tightening her grip on him.

She felt her orgasm overtake her, back bowing off the bed as she moaned.

He watched her face contort before pressing his forehead to hers. She opened her eyes in time to feel his cock twitch inside her as the orgasm he’d been holding back washed through him.

She stroked the back of his head as he came down from his climax and let out a satisfied whine when he kissed her again, slow and lazy in the post-orgasm haze.

She grabbed a tissue and he helped her clean up before flopping down onto his back with an arm behind his head. She laid her head on his shoulder and looked up at his face. His eyes were heavily-lidded, like he could barely keep them open. It was sweet.

His fingertips caressed her spine, pulling her leg over his waist so they were cuddled in close. His eyes were watching her own fingers tracing the scars on his chest.

They stayed like that for a while, Karen basking in the scent of Frank and raw sex. Laying like this with him, it was heaven. His heart was beating steadily under her ear as sleep started to take over his body.

She shifted and he grabbed her knee on instinct. “Watch the balls”

She laughed and the atmosphere was light. She was keen to keep it that way. If they didn’t, what had just happened could very quickly become overwhelming. She knew the other shoe was going to drop at some point but for now, she wanted to enjoy this perfect moment.

~ xxx ~

He must have been exhausted because he was still out cold over an hour after she’d awoken. She hadn’t moved, careful not to disturb him.

When his eyes fluttered open, she felt the tension slowly returning to his body as his mind started turning.

“Morning” she whispered, running a hand down his stomach, fingers tracing his abs and teasing lower. 

“Morning” he rasped. “What are you doing?”

“Making up for last night”

“You don’t have to do that”

“I know” she smiled, feeling him hardening under her hand.

“Fuck Karen” he hissed when she pushed back the comforter enough to take him into her mouth, laving the head with her tongue before sucking down as much of him as she could manage.

She stroked what she couldn’t with her hand, looking up at him. His eyes had closed, head dropping back against the headboard in bliss.

She didn’t take her eyes off his face and the way it creased in pleasure. Before long, his eyes were open and he was watching his cock disappear between her lips.

“I’m close” he moaned out a warning and she pulled away, stroking him with a firm grip. His mouth dropped open in a silent cry, cum hitting his stomach in thick spurts and dripping over her fingers.

She sat up to kiss him and he returned it, tongue curling around hers lazily. He passed her a tissue and she took it, cleaning his stomach off and licking some cum from her fingers. A whole-body shiver ran through him at the sight.

“Holy shit Karen”

She kissed him again and he let her control it before pulling her into a spoon position. They stayed like that for a while, dozing and enjoying the feeling of each other’s skin.

~ xxx ~

Eventually, he dropped a kiss to her shoulder and rolled away. She sat up, covering her chest with the sheets.

“Shower?” she asked.

He threw his legs over the side of the bed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “No it’s fine, you go first”

She could already feel him starting to pull away. It was inevitable. So she pushed down that sinking feeling and tried not to appear vulnerable when he watched her cross the room to grab her robe.

“There are clean towels in that drawer” she pointed. “I’ll shout when I’m done”

As she showered, a part of her wondered if he might make a quick exit while she was in the bathroom.

But he didn’t.

When she emerged, he was still there, gazing out of her window. He’d put his underwear back on and grabbed a towel, but nothing else had moved.

Frank was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a coward. He wouldn’t skip out on her after a night like that to avoid facing the echoing black hole of unspoken words. No, he’d stay and face it and so she’d have to do the same, even if it felt like a lead weight on her chest.

Clutching the towel around her, she grabbed clean underwear and watched him disappear into the bathroom.

When he resurfaced in a cloud of steam, his clothes were folded on the bed, a mug of coffee on the bedside table.

Karen was skim-reading emails.

“I uh…I called Sayeed, he’s safe” she told him without looking up, pushing her damp hair out of her face.

“The guy from last night?”

She nodded, tapping out a quick reply to something and closing the lid of her laptop.

“He needs to lay low…”

“He will”

“You gonna lay low Karen?” he asked, buttoning his pants as he stood in the doorway. “Till I’ve had a chance to deal with ‘em?”

She sucked in a breath and blew it out through her nose. “Frank…”

“Don’t try to talk me out of it” he warned. “Last night doesn’t change who I am”

She stood.

“I’m not stupid Frank…I didn’t wake up this morning expecting you to have had some kind of epiphany. I know what it was”

He caught the undertone in her words and paused, feeding his belt through the loops of his pants. “What _was_ it?”

“Escape…release…” she paced the room.

He watched her for a moment, the way her blue eyes were looking anywhere but at him as she picked up her coffee mug and warmed her hands on it. She took a seat on the arm of the couch, resting the drink on her thigh.

“You’re an extraordinary woman Karen. I knew that from the day you walked into that hospital room”

“You don’t need to give me the whole ‘it’s not you it’s me’ speech Frank” she looked down, fingers skimming the rim of the mug. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me. I’m not some wallflower”

He sighed, leaning against the doorframe, shirt in-hand.

“I know you’ve been through some shit Karen…you think I don’t know what kind of person is drawn to a guy like me?”

She laughed humourlessly, shaking her head. She still hadn’t looked up though.

“You think I don’t know how you feel about me? I do. I see it. I see it every time you look at me”

She glanced up at him.

“And I don’t deserve that…”

She opened her mouth to protest and he held up a hand.

“So I push you away, hope that one day you’ll see that”

She shook her head sadly.

“I know you love me Karen” his voice broke at the end of the words. “I don’t know why you do, but I know it”

She stood, putting the mug on the table. She closed the distance between them, her fingertips brushed his cheek in the gentlest caress, a tear spilling over her own eyelid. Hearing him say it, to acknowledge it…it was bittersweet. 

“But…”

“It’s okay” she whispered. “I know. I knew but I wanted you anyway”

“Knew what?” he asked, voice strained.

“That you don’t want that…last night was amazing but I know that’s all it was”

He frowned, shaking his head.

“You’re not escape Karen…you’re safety, you’re home. But I can’t give you a happy ending, you know that…”

She nodded.

“But I love you too”

The words knocked her for six and suddenly the tears were rolling free and fast. It was so unfair. This was everything she wanted, but she couldn’t have it. He was right here, within touching distance but so far away.

She could see how scared he was. He was petrified. Since his family had been so cruelly taken from him, he’d lived a life where nothing could truly hurt him. But loving someone again, admitting it, it was vulnerability he’d tried to eliminate.

“You can’t give up a life for me Karen” he whispered. “A real life…a normal life”

“I’d give up everything for you Frank”

“I know” he forced out, eyes shining. “I don’t want you to” he pulled away, taking a step back. “I want you to have white picket fences and babies and someone who keeps you safe. I want you to have what I had with Maria before it all got destroyed”

She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand, heart breaking more every second she had to see the turmoil on his face as he tormented himself over his decision to give in for one night.

“I’m not a wallflower Frank…” she repeated.

“You’re strong and brave and so goddamn stubborn…” he trailed off. “But you’re also beautiful and delicate…”

She let him swallow down the lump in his throat before he continued.

“My little girl…she was like a flower you know? So perfect and delicate and beautiful…and I can’t be around those people Karen…because you’ll get trampled and they’ll pull out your petals like they did hers”

She reached out and caught the tear that ran down his cheek with her thumb, brushing it away.

“I love that you make me feel like that Frank….when I’m with you I feel like that pure, untouched snow but it’s a lie. I’ve used that gun more than once…I don’t want white picket fences Frank, I want _you_ ” she pleaded.

“I can’t let you ruin your life for me. I can’t be that guy Karen. I can’t be a husband and a father anymore. That man is dead”

“I’m not asking for a fairy tale…” she breathed. “You’re scared, I get that Frank. I’m terrified”

He took a step back, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“You need to take some time to figure out what you want and that’s okay” she told him, pushing her hair out of her face.

He pulled his shirt on and her eyes tracked him as he moved around the room, grabbing his jacket and pulling on his boots.

She stopped him by the door. “I’m not asking for anything from you Frank, just please let me know you’re okay…don’t leave me sitting here for months wondering if you’re even alive. That’s not fair”

“I promise” he pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “Goodbye Karen”

And just like that, Frank Castle walked out of her life again.


End file.
